Dumb.

July 17, 2015 § 3 Comments

I haven’t had a clear thought since April. Tens of thousands of muddy ones tumbling in, but they all have the be washed and polished, sorted by size and weight. Takes forever. Poetry helps. You don’t have to know what you’re thinking to start writing it. Even when you’re done it’s often just a bunch of stones lined up in a mystery you hope someone else solves later and it’s not too embarrassing.

It has been five weeks since the last tiny sliver of Lexapro. I was spared the most terrifying withdrawal side effects. No brain zaps, waking up behind the wheel of the car in strange places with no idea how you got there. Just a very slow, anti-climactic re-entry into consciousness. I can officially spend more hours awake than asleep in a 24 hour period, and far fewer of them are spent crying in the kitchen. But I have awakened under the wet blanket of midsummer. Time is sticky and hot and slow and sounds like cicadas and children who have spilled paint.

I am here, I am well, I am raising children and inking pens and doing stupid things with my body that I really should not. There is plenty of writing being done, but none that wants to be seen when the lights come on. I am here, everything is right here just waiting for my head to clear, waiting for the year to tip toward fall so gravity can take over.

Until then, I am just here in the stands with my box of rocks, breathing chlorine, cheering, moving stuff around.

You are here.

July 9, 2015 § Leave a comment

Bold.

July 6, 2015 § Leave a comment

I woke up wanting the bright light
on my most beautiful parts

but it fell just to the left
just to the left

just to the left
of my most beautiful parts.

Thirty five.

June 22, 2015 § Leave a comment

To become like a child
like my child
like I was as a child
before I was ruined
spoiled by trying

when I came unaware of the grease on
my dress and the words I did not
know
when I came gaping and rude
with inappropriate questions and
groping hands
when I had no reason to think I
would not be satisfied with
answers
when no part of me thought I should not
crawl right in and make myself at
home
prying
prodding
kneading.

All this time I expected to wake up
hard
strong
seasoned
wise
standing in the Presence like someone in the know.

I forgot what I was doing.
Never was that the path.
Never was that the promise.
Wrong way.

I am on the wrong track.

June 17, 2015 § Leave a comment

  

Secrets and lies.

June 11, 2015 § Leave a comment

I have told you many stories. Persuasive black ravens on razor sharp roofs, creeping tarantulas in my psychotic peripheral vision, the contents of my pill box, the numbers on my scale — stories you’d think would stay secrets, you’d think would make me nervous. I know there was a day when I was on the silent side of fear and I kept these stories to myself, but it is so long past, I don’t remember its sting. I wish I could. It would help me now.

There is one story that I work hard not to tell, one I skim over in a way that I always hope sounds breezy and confident.  Each time I dance past it I am certain I will trip, tumble head first and be exposed, stripped down to my bright white skin.

I am a writer.

There.  That’s it.  That’s my bare ass in the breeze.

You are not as scandalized as I am.  You are reading these words and have a pretty good idea of how they got here, but I am still in denial.  All this time I have chosen to believe that I was fooling you into thinking that the stork dropped them off. Surely none of you imagined me actually doing the deed?

I am a writer. I write this blog, I write poetry, sometimes I write thinly veiled autobiographical fiction about a woman named Stella who cleans motel rooms in New Mexico. When I was in the third grade, my story about intrepid pioneers living in a dugout won first prize in a contest and was displayed in a bank lobby. I was the poetry editor of my high school literary magazine and have never really moved on. I am also the author of more than 120 successfully unpublished notebooks, composition books, and journals.

I am a writer and that means my life is secretly organized around writing. Honestly, my daily priorities are to keep my children alive and to write, the rest is kind of bonus. If you have ever had plans with me or expected me to show up to a meeting and I have backed out, it probably wasn’t my kids, it was writing. If I have a babysitter, writing. If there’s time for a shower, can I write instead?  When required by love, duty, or hygiene to do something else, how much longer until I can write about this?

I am a writer as much as I am anything else.

My life, my whole story, is shaped by writing as significantly as it is by manic depression, obesity, motherhood, and marriage. But while I so generously spread those stories out as though I am the boldest, bravest teller of true tales, I do not write about writing. If this blog were a simple account of our homeschooling days or a handy resource for low carb recipes, my identity as a writer would be irrelevant, I could continue gallivanting with my pens and paper behind closed doors indefinitely and no one would get hurt. But that is not the work we are doing here. That is not the agreement we have made.

To say that I am telling you a true story about my life while omitting the details of my writing life is a bald-faced lie.

I’ve lied out of habit and I’ve lied out fear. I’ve lied out of certainty that upon discovery of my secret identity, it will be taken from me. “Rachel Elizabeth!” the world will gasp, disgusted and alarmed, snatching it from my naughty hands, cramming it up on to the highest, darkest shelf before shoving my nose in a corner to think about what I’ve done. I’ve lied out of fear of being put in my place.

In just a few days I will be 35 years old. A grown woman. Old enough to take my own place, to take responsibility for my creative choices and capable of engaging in adult conversation about them without cheeks flushing beet red and disintegrating into a fit of giggles and deflection. Old enough to admit, brazen and shameless, that I write, I write a lot, and I like it.

In honor of my undeniable adulthood, my coming of age, I am going to write about writing. I am giving you fair warning because it is guaranteed to be awkward and intimate and not at all like it is in the movies. It will be terrible for a while, unless you are also a secret writer or maybe a much younger, much better writer.  In that case, it will be really encouraging and make you feel very good about yourself. Regardless, it will be a true story told, out loud, in love, which is the work we do here.

Vision.

May 29, 2015 § Leave a comment

  

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