Resistance is futile.

I am an intense woman, an intense, wife, an intense mother. I am an intense cloth diaperer. I am an intense dieter. I am an intense worshipper. I am an intense everything. There is not one thing I care about that I do not COMPLETELY, ABSOLUTELY, CARE ABOUT. And if I care about it, I have to know everything there is to know about it. And if I know about it, I can’t get away with not DOING it.

It’s very dangerous, my brain.  It’s like a boa constrictor. It unhinges it’s jaw and swallows subjects whole, then sits for days, sometimes years, just digesting, slowly picking information apart piece by piece, breaking it down, crushing it until every useful part is assimilated. Snakes, owls, the Borg. You know.

Writing, like bodybuilding, like composting, like mothering, like all the things that sit in my gut and build who I am, takes a lot of time. A lot of hidden time, full of all sorts of processes I cannot see. Makes me angry. Makes me want to change course. But inevitably, yet somehow always surprisingly, the time is up — I lift heavier, my kale thrives, my three year old no longer throws herself on the ground in shrieking protest when it’s time to move on to the next thing, there’s a period at the end of a sentence.   And then I’m just hungry again.

4 thoughts on “Resistance is futile.

  1. Rachel, I followed a link from Sarah Sherwood’s post to your blog. You are a fantastic writer and I’m so glad to be reading your experiences. I really admire your bravery. You writing is helping me to understand my husband a little better. For the past year, he has been experiencing debilitating paranoia and anxiety. All of this started just a few months before our first baby came into the world. It’s been a rough year–hard to keep hoping that our lives will ever return to some semblance of normal. It makes me more hopeful that you have come out on the other side. Just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story, including all the gory details.

    1. Amy…
      I am so thankful that sharing my experiences is helpful to you. I pray it encourages you that joyful marriages and families and people are still possible, even in the context of mental illness. I will be praying for you, your husband, and your baby as you navigate these waters! …Rachel

  2. Yes! Thank you for this blog! It is awesome and I am so happy to find it. Your experience has much to teach all of us.

    I can totally relate to being intense at everything . . . Leslie D. said that I go around swallowing life like I am constantly driving a front loading tractor. Tommy told me that I don’t know how to do a hobby, you know, something you do casually and just for fun?

    Just getting plain old tired has helped me learn about grace. Homeschooling three kids can do that to you . . .So happy to discover your blog here. You are a lovely woman.

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