Someday I will figure out what I am about.
All those months ago when I turned the great corner and said, to hell with all of this story telling, I’m going to talk about picking up weight, I thought maybe I’d found it — that freedom I was looking for. But then more corners were turned and I was too protective and fearful to map them all out in plain view.
Now I’m back to no blog at all, and a good deal of trapped energy. A million tiny words scratched in a stack of wrinkled notebooks. I wake up each day feeling a little bit like a a character in a very long, confusing, critically acclaimed novel. I am certain that this story is good, but I have NO IDEA what it is about.
Here are the big changes since you and I last met:
1. I opened a health coaching practice that took off like wildfire. I’ve spent a good portion of these last six months learning, loving, and helping women and families integrate their bodies into their lives.
2. My girls enthusiastically embraced school outside of the home. They are fiercely in love with their Montessori school. My heart is not quite sure what to do about this, so I’m just going with being thankful.
3. I’ve started down a terrifying/thrilling path of healing from my childhood. All this work with my body (and in the body) has unlocked memory and feeling that I have spent most of my life avoiding. As I have had more opportunity to share my story, I have been struck by the depth of emotion is stirs up in others. The cold, detached, and dismissive attitude I have toward my own pain and victory is startling.
4. I’ve discovered that I might not be crazy after all. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was just 13 years old, placed on many different medications, and eventually left to live with the disease as an integral part of my identity. Now, after almost 20 years of fully embracing mental illness, I’ve been told that I might have to let it go.
I’m prying open the blogging door to give me a little more room to study this weird story. I have no idea how interesting, coherent, or consistent I’ll be, so if you’re prone to panic attacks when bad sci-fi gets cancelled mid-season, guard your heart.