Day ten #powerrehab: Do they not know?

April 9, 2015 § 3 Comments

I have turned the dark and twisty corner.

I tried not to.

I thought I wouldn’t.

There is still a chance I might pull up. Pull up! Pull up!

Yesterday I captured the most perfect little depressed thought and pinned him down by his tiny fuzzy thorax, “I just want to go to sleep and fast forward time to…I don’t even know when.”

I can think of at least a dozen reasons why I would be on the slippery side of the manic depressive slope right about now, the most obvious one being that I was recently manic.  A person always hopes that the handful of pretty pills she diligently counts out every morning, noon, and night will protect her, but really, there’s only so much protecting before pills become straight jackets.  Have you ever cleaned a fountain pen in a straight jacket?

Other good reasons:

— while manic I pumped myself full of sugar, dairy, and alcohol, all things that are depressive triggers for me.

— all that crap happens to increase inflammation in the the rest of my body as well, adding to the physical pain I was already in.

— the migraines will not quit.

— my husband is in the middle of a massive career transition.  (Do you like how I’ve minimized this?  I haven’t been able to talk about it much, but I will, eventually.)

Today is the fourth day of my ketogenic restart, and the eleventh day of #powerrehab (I report to you one day in arrears).  Historically, this is the day I wake up feeling better, feeling like the veil has lifted, feeling like a new person.  I’ve been up for three hours now, waiting for the feelings and they’re not here yet.  Maybe they’re running late?  Maybe they need another day?  Maybe they’re not coming this time?  Maybe I need to take the girls out for a long walk on this cloudy morning to meet them?  Maybe they are in the park somewhere?

Wherever they are, I need them to come quickly.  It’s like they’ve forgotten that I have three children to actively love and cabinets of Easter chocolate to fiercely resist.  I have a brain that needs to breathe, a body that needs to go, a chart that needs to earn stars or this whole thing just falls apart. 

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§ 3 Responses to Day ten #powerrehab: Do they not know?

  • kbailey374 says:

    I’m sorry you’re not feeling well 😦 Hope things get better soon! Sorry too about hubby’s career situation.

    Interesting about using sugar etc during your manic episode where generally you have more “control.” I use these substances during depression to make myself feel better, which of course they do not. Urg.

    • Rachel Brown says:

      Thank you for the well wishes! My manic self is kind of a jerk. She tends to consider my healthy self as something of a bossy big sister who never lets her have any fun, so she says “SCREW IT ALL!” and has as much fun as she can get away with. There’s a lot of mess to clean up afterward. When I’m depressed I feel too guilty and ashamed of everything I did while manic to indulge in much of anything.

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